True Support: Welcome What Is
“How to give support to family and friends, when they cannot move forward as quickly as they would like to, in all avenues, whether it be family, work, marriages, children or the loss of the aged partners…”
On our Facebook Page I ask readers what they want me to write about. The above is what Rosealea replied. This blog post is for you, Rosealea, and for all others who want to help their loved ones the best way they can.
It hurts to see them hurting
To see our loved ones struggle with their lives or with specific issues in their lives can be very painful. Our family and friends may feel stuck, wanting to move forward much quicker than they do, they may want to solve issues they hold with other family members, at work or in their relationships, or they have recently lost their partner after having been together for a lifetime. They are in need. They feel sad, frustrated, angry, unhappy or betrayed. It hurts to see them hurting.
We want to help them and give them the right support so they will suffer less. We also want to help ourselves, because by giving them the right support and helping them to suffer less, we suffer less as well, feeling relieved for them and for ourselves.
Helping others makes us feel good
We feel good when we are able to help others. When others feel or do better because of our help, we feel and do better too.
We are social beings. We like to help.
This isn’t bad and is perfectly fine, but it is good to be aware of it. When we are aware, we will also understand that in those cases where our help is not appreciated, allowed or possible, we will not be rewarded with that good feeling, and we might tend to push and pull until our help does get accepted; until the problem is solved; until we see a smile on the face of our loved one; until we do get that good feeling.
Help is not always help. Not to help, sometimes is the best help. To accept a situation without wanting to help to change it for someone, is often a very helpful attitude. But when we do so, we don’t get rewarded and we don’t get that good feeling the way we are used to.
What is the right support?
The best thing we can give to anyone we care about, is to be present. But to be fully present is an art in itself. To unselfishly BE there for someone and to simply LISTEN, seems the easiest yet often turns out to be the hardest thing to do.
It implies we don’t interfere, interrupt, judge, get involved, or want to change anything about the person and the story the person shares with us. It implies we surrender to the moment, accepting and allowing everything in that moment to be exactly as it is. It implies we let go of any resistance and of any wanting to change, fix, deny or do something with or about the person and his or her story. It implies we fully embrace whatever is there to experience in that moment.
Allowing the problem allows for the solution
When we are able to do so the issue, problem, question or situation will solve itself because we allow it to. Really, if we restrain ourselves from interference and instead fully allow what is to be, the solution will present itself effortlessly. It’s hard for us to believe that.
We rather believe that we have to do something about it; that we have to help, that we have to put an effort at trying to change, solve, fix, resent, comfort, revenge, deny, bend, resist, force, influence, judge, condemn, dislike, fear or hate a problematic situation than relax into it and let the solution unfold by itself.
Wanting to give the right support, or simply being supportive?
I have experienced numerous examples myself of how wanting to give support got in the way of being supportive.
Any wanting to do something about anything and any wanting to change anything disallows for what is. While acceptance of what is, by fully allowing it to be the way it is without wanting to change it, allows for it to be free, unrestricted and able to naturally change and unfold. That which we don’t try to control can move freely and therefore change!
The best support we can give is to create a safe space of presence, in which our loved one(s) can also simply be, unfold and change!
Being is more powerful than doing
Being present and creating a safe space of presence is a careful and loving act that asks of us to be highly aware of what is happening. We have to be alert and attentive. We allow for things to be the way they are in order for them to unfold for the better. This isn’t a careless allowance. We sit back and allow but it is not a lazy kind of sitting back. It is attentive and active: a very conscious way of being relaxed.
We are fully awake and present. Our attention is brought completely to this moment in which we choose to be present for our loved one(s). In this way we create a certain field of awareness and attention in which allowance is safe; in which our loved one(s) will feel safe.
Being supportive requires we do nothing but be present in this careful, attentive and allowing way. All the rest will take care of itself! There’s much more power in Being than in Doing.
Comfort and self discovery
For our family and friends this attitude will feel truly comforting because being welcomed and embraced by the full presence of our attention and awareness will feel like coming home to a loving and accepting place that everyone is longing for.
In this safe space of full awareness we also allow our loved one(s) to discover themselves. If we don’t do anything but be and allow for what is, the other person will find his or her answer(s) effortlessly.
It will seem as if we do nothing and we might not feel as actively involved and therefore not as rewarded. This is the ego making itself being heard, wanting approval. We know within our higher selves though that the true reward lies in the true support we have been able to give: we have helped something to unfold and be solved that could never have been solved this way had we interfered or helped in the old way; had we tried to manipulate the problem by trying to change or solve it.
Now the reward is in the higher knowing that we have actively contributed to a seemingly passive allowing. Looks are deceiving :-). Don’t be mislead. Know what is true. The art of allowance requires discipline and self control, courage and trust.
Good luck! To ever growing awareness and awakening,
I thank you very much, Rosealea, for your question and suggestion on Facebook the other day. Please feel free to comment if you have other questions or suggestions, or in any way would like to react. Thank you.